What do your friends really think of you?

You jump up with too much enthusiasm

You find a guitar and play the melody

You go into the kitchen and cook brownies

You smash the record player and pop all the balloons

You dance but to a different tune

You burn the stick and eat all the vol au vents

You volunteer to help Clara, who is stupid, to learn the rules

You fashion an Okey Pokey stick out of bamboo

You excuse yourself and put on a giant blimp costume to improve the game

You tell people a story about the last time you played and how it led to your uncle's divorce

Offer to take them to your personal stylist

Tell them things are the way they are and why bother?

Cut out pictures of models but photoshop your friend's face into all the shots for inspiration

Ask him whether his childhood friend was a dog

Find reasons to express your love for his individuality

You fly into a rage, referencing the overfishing of Atlantic cod as a reason

You listen carefully, anticipating they mean purpose and not porpoise

You tell him there's no way you're paying £20 to visit London Aquarium and it doesn't matter if they have penguins

There's a silent respectful pause before you laugh at them

You agree and ask about other marine mammals

You avoid all possible conversations that might lead to current affairs

You keep talking about David Bowie and hope the significance of his death prevents anyone mentioning the latest loss

You pluck up courage and try to overhear bus queue conversations to find out who it was

You pretend to listen to music when people around you start mentioning it

You take it deeply personally and wonder if anyone will remember you, taking up the clarinet and drifting into a life of jazz filled loneliness

You take something by Roald Dahl to stop everyone getting carried away

You take Pride and Prejudice as there is no other possible choice

You write your own. You've got some time this week so why not?

You refuse to go, texting weak responses like, "It's avant garde pottery club tonight"

You struggle to hold down your enthusiasm, wishing you could take the whole of the Doctor Who book series but, having to choose, go for something safe

You fill out the advert with your best friend's details

You buy 8 tickets on the front row to surprise your friends

You sabotage the event, following the girl who's putting up the posters from a safe distance and remove the illegally erected posters

You audition for the role, knowing you're a size 15 shoe-in for the job

You put on your best evening wear, gloss back those curls, and order the limo

You can't decide organise a tombola and put your whole phone book's worth of contacts in.

You test each of your friend's loyalty by asking them who else they would suggest to see how they react

You don't ask anyone. Just turn up and say you wanted to spend quality time with the relatives (more top class wine for you!)

You take your pet dog and dress them up in a tuxedo

You ask your relatives if instead they can take all of your pals out for a slap up meal and offer to pay for the drinks yourself

You buy a broken down camper van and fit it out inside with a bar and a hot tub

You take a punt on a classic 60s motor, hoping you can sell it on to a collector

You buy the cheapest thing there and film it burning to the ground to get You Tube hits

You see the pink cadillac. You think Grease. You spend way over your budget.

You walk away from the auction in disgust, complaining the whole thing is a racket and a monopoly. You take the bus home.

You pull out your University gorilla costume and come up with an excuse for a reason to wear it - Tarzan's mum

You go for Beauty and the Beast and match a tailored suit with a mullet wig

Who cares what the host had in mind when they chose the theme? Hurray, another Jedi party!

It doesn't take long for you to realise you're going to be sick that evening. You organise for the police to turn up and do a drug raid at 9pm precisely

You shall go to the ball! Sequins aplenty and whatever gong is out there for best costume is coming your way!